Unable to Play Content, or MLB.tv Fucks Up My Whole Day

West Coast baseball is the absolute worst. Games start at a million o’clock and last until work goddamn starts the next morning. Still, we stay up to watch it. We do so half-begrudgingly: “I’m going to be so tired tomorrow,” we say, as if we have no other choice than to deprive ourselves of sleep in order to stay up and watch the beloved Tigers. The next morning our sage-like predictions come true: “I’m so fucking tired today,” we complain.

“How come?” ask our co-workers politely.

“I stayed up to watch the Tigers last night.”

They do not feel bad for us.

And on some level, tired as we are, we’re proud of ourselves. We stayed up. To watch the Tigers. During the regular season. We are fans, dammit. True fans. Can’t you tell by how tired we are?

Today I looked forward all day to watching the Tigers using my MLB.tv subscription. This is the life of the displaced fan. So you can imagine my disappointment when I flicked on my X-Box, opened up the MLB.tv app, selected Detroit vs. Seattle, and found that there was something wrong with MLB.tv. I panicked. How can this be? I restarted my X-Box. I checked my computer. I attempted to listen to the radio broadcast. I checked in with Travis. IT WASN’T FUCKING WORKING. And it still isn’t. And I have missed, thus far, one Tigers run, three Tigers hits, and I have no idea how many Mariners swings-and-misses.

An MLB.tv subscription costs a pretty penny…plus 124 dollars and 98 other pennies. How in the name of my balls is this acceptable? Bless You Boys is going ape-shit right now. So many people are so pissed. I’ve Tweeted a few times already voicing my displeasure and Hashtagging #MLBTV. I hope everyone else on the planet is doing the same thing. These fuckers are getting on my last nerve.

Can I also just throw this out there? MLB Network had exclusive broadcast rights to the World Baseball Classic, and did not even offer a paid online subscription to it. I would have gladly signed up for that shit. I was looking forward to this Classic pretty much since the conclusion of the last one, during which on one day I awoke around 10, moved from my bed to the couch, turned on baseball, and rose only to eat or piss until about 8. It was a good-ass day.

MLB.tv — get your shit together. People out there paid their hard-earned dollars to watch their teams play.

On behalf of displaced fans everywhere: do not take this away from us. Only dicks would do that. You guys aren’t dicks, are you?

OH FUCKING YES! YOU’RE NOT DICKS! THE GAME IS ON, YOU GUYS!

Still, I don’t take back what I said.

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